Untitled
by Zia
Summary: Eponine reflects on her last few days on earth. Uses parts and scenes from both the musical and the book.


Untitled

It's not easy being me. My life is filled with love and hate. At times the one I love is the one I hate. And at times I can't understand myself. We all do stupid things; yes I know this is true. But when you look at it it's not so bad.

Yes from the first time I saw him it was heaven. My heart started pounding and I knew I was in love. He was so perfect and it seemed a heavenly light surrounded his perfect body and though I might not have shown it I was so deeply in love. I myself didn't exactly know. But as I look down from up here...I know that I did love him, not as much as now, but oh what a man! 

What a name Marius. Marius. Marius. Its sounds like, oh so perfect, so delightful to hear. Yet he never knew about my love. No, he never knew what I felt for him. And yet, you think, what am I doing smiling as I am. I'm remembering what a foolish girl I was. I thought at first he'd grow to love me. Yes, that's what I thought. My feelings were always love, for when I was with him I was so happy and felt so light, like I was walking on air. And I when I wasn't with him I pretended he was there by my side! Oh we'd walk and talk and he'd kiss and hold me. Yet I know that it was only in my mind. You think I don't know this. What a silly childish girl I was!

But then the hate started. Yes, I had hated my parents, but this was a new hate. He fell in love with another. Yes another, a spoiled brat. I felt that some how I knew her. She was so familiar. Who was she? I kept asking myself. Then it hit me she was Cosette. That little girl my horrid parents kept as a servant. What was she doing here? What was she doing with him?! 

I found out where she lived and I went and I stared at it in hate, no, in pure rage! I felt love and hate at once for my one true love and hate for his blindness at me. "Where does she live?" He asks me. "Will I find out where she lives?" What was I doing!? My mind was screaming "No I love you!" But I heard my self say yes! What was I doing I felt myself walking to make sure it was her house. I didn't want to do this. Why was I doing this? Stop my mind cried STOP! But my feet kept moving. "No!" I was crying in my head over and over. I wanted to scream but no sound would come. I thought about what I was doing it was not what I wanted I didn't want her to be with him. 

Oh so perfect him I thought as his face entered my mind. NO! He was supposed to be with me not her. Then it happened. I saw her. Now I had to tell him where she lived. No, this isn't what I wanted. I wanted him. The man I worshipped and adored. "Help me God!" I cried out. No! This isn't how it was suppose to go. I broke down and wanted to cry but I wouldn't I couldn't. I started off to find him. 

Oh how he was excited to see me. No, not me my information. I wanted to tell him, no I didn't find out where she lived. But looking into his eyes I saw love. My heart soared! Love, love, love! My heart danced. Then came the question if I had found her. My heart fell. Down, down, down went my heart. I saw the love for her not me. Never me. My head screamed. Of course he wanted to see her, he loved her, but no, why must he see her! No, I must take him. I knew that is what I had to do. 

It felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest and thrown on the ground. I felt hate for her and love for him. And I can't believe I felt it but I knew I did. It was a little twinge of hate for him. No, it can't be was all I kept thinking I do not hate him I love him! Well walking beside him was heaven, but the purpose of our walk was not! 

Yes, she was pretty unlike myself. Me the tomboy not some pretty little queen sitting in a grand house. Sitting on a fancy seat. Why couldn't I have a life like that! But no, my life was great until she stepped in. Marius was beginning to see me in a new light. All proper and prim. No, who am I kidding he doesn't love me. He never did he never will. Then I saw the house. Should I take him past it? Lie and say maybe it was a mistake. No, he has a right to be with his love. I can't deprive him of that. I couldn't live with myself. I heard him cry out. 

I looked to him, but he was running down the street. He had seen her. I walked silently behind. As I arrived he thanked me and introduced me to his love," this is my friend 'Ponine, she has brought me to you." I looked at him and saw the love in his eyes. It hurt me, every word felt like a dagger piercing my skin, and then I looked at her. She smiled but I knew what she was thinking. It wasn't hard. She didn't think I looked much like a girl, but she looked as if she recognized my name.

I weakly smiled back; I was feeling so alone and so much hate for her. I hoped she couldn't see it. They left me to go talk. I felt so helpless. I had lost him. No wait. Why even kid myself anymore. He was never mine to lose. His heart was full of love yes, but not for me not ever for me, I began to feel sorry for myself. 

Then I heard a noise and saw… My father! What was he doing here with his gang of thieves? He was talking about something, but I couldn't hear anything but then I heard, robbery. I was thinking good rob this house. Oh no! Marius will think I was in on it all. He'd hate me. No! I had to stop it. Be brave I told myself. I stepped into the light. My father didn't even recognize me. That added on to the hate in my heart. Oh, yes, thank you sir for recognizing me and telling my father. Now, he'll know who is spoiling his plans of robbery.

"Leave" I said. My head was screaming leave; if Marius saw me with them he'd hate me for sure. No, I'd forgotten how stubborn my father was. Well, I'd have to get them to leave but how. Then I thought of it, I'll scream. They tried to stop me, but no. I screamed a forceful scream. It was all my anger and all my rage coming out through that scream. He tried to take me with him but no, I saw Marius running towards me. 

I got free somehow and ran to him. He looked a little worried about me. No not me, he embraced Cosette. Someone was coming. Marius and I ran. We stopped outside to listen. All I caught was they were leaving, leaving Paris! 

My heart sang and danced again so light and airy. Then I saw Marius's face, his eyes were blank. He was a very strong and brave man. I knew he'd never cry in front of me. He was running to see her again. They ran together she was crying. Well all alone again. But in one day Cosette was leaving. Only one more day alone. Then I remembered his friends and the barricades. I ran to get him and go to them. I don't know if exactly remembered, but after a while he came. 

We rushed our way though the streets. He was surprised to see I followed him. I wanted to shout I would go anywhere for you. But no it would be a while before he was ready to love again. I lost sight of him after a while. So I began to wander I saw my little brother, Gavoroch. What was he doing here? I started to march up to him but no, I couldn't. I felt someone tugging at my shoulder. It was he, Marius. My heart felt light because he had the look of love in his eyes. Do him another favor? I felt that twinge of hate come back. Bring his dearest love a letter. No! Why Cosette, not me, get over it, I wanted to scream. But no of course his loyal friend 'Ponine would always be there to give letters to his love and find the house in the dark. I took the letter, and started off I decided to take my time. It was then I really started to think about whom I was and all of my feelings. I imagined him there holding me dancing and laughing and having a good time. He would look at me the way he looks at her and then…her! Why her and not me. Why? Why? Why, was all I could ask myself. Everything had seemed so nice. 

I thought I was lost. Then I saw the street and started to trudge down it ever so slowly. I imagined him again with his arms around me. My only comfort in life I realized was my time on my own when I tried to dream of a world where I would feel love and feel wanted. Not hate or fear. Not abandonment or loneliness. Just love. Love from him love for him. And no snooty brat would come along and spoil it. Yes, love! But then something jerks my mind back to reality. My mind thinks of the word dream, just a dream, not real at all only in my poor mind. Then I think what would I do with out him, the world would become dark, black, and full of hate and rejection. Then I thought what if I wasn't in his life. He doesn't even need me. He could get on perfectly fine with out me. His world wouldn't stop whereas mine would. He is everything to me as I am nothing to him. Why does it have to be this way? Why can't he love me? Why can't him and I live happily ever after like the storybook says. Why not? 

I found myself at her door. It opened and there stood a man. I told him this letters for Cosette. He told me he would give it to her. Then of course that little brat had a letter for Marius. For Marius! Oh Marius it's from Cosette, should I give it to you? No! I can't! I won't! Of course you will 'Ponine. I started back towards the barricades that cold dark lonely place, but Marius was there and I had to see him and to decide whether to give him the letter or not. I was filled with hate. Hate for Cosette for hurting me by taking Marius away. But even more hate for hurting Marius. He loved her so much then she just oh! She's leaving him here all alone. Oh I could just...what was this, a gun pointed straight at my love. Marius! No! He was getting ready to shoot when I stepped forward and put myself in front of the gun. The soldier shot me instead. 

The pain was so great, and so relieving. I had saved him. Saved my love. I crawled away, as not to be seen, to die. Death some say is glorious. All who say this are wrong. Death is rarely glorious. There is such pain. I bit my blouse to stop the pain. I wondered if it would ever stop then as I was preparing to take my last breath I saw him.

He had just barely seen me. Then for some reason I said his name. I hated myself after I did. He looked around then as he looked down at my form I could tell that he didn't recognize me. Not recognize me!! I saved his life and he can't even think of who I am! Hate pure hate filled my heart! No of course he won't recognize me! He's to busy thinking of his love!! But then he could see who I was. I don't know if I said my name or what, but he had said, " 'Ponine?" obviously wondering why I came back. Then he noticed the pool of blood and that I was hurt. He grabbed me and told me they could treat me and I would be fine. 

Love filled my heart as he did this. Oh, he did care about me he really did! Then he reached down and tried to pick me up. I screamed a small but forceful scream. He jumped back wondering what he had done. I showed him my hand. The wound was completely horrid looking. At that moment I wish I wouldn't have shown it to him. He gasped and cried out " Oh Ponine!" I was trying my best to stay alive. 

Then I saw Gavroche. Oh, my silly little brother. He was singing a song. I longed to hide so he wouldn't see me like this. I knew that he would scold me. Marius said that he was going to get a doctor. No, I told him it wasn't going to be long now. And I begged him to not let my brother see me. I told myself, try to be cheerful and not look so sad. I've always tried to do that no matter how bad things got. I would always try to be cheerful, but only in front of others. When I was alone I would cry and cry, but only by myself. Never in front of anyone else. They could never know my true feelings. 

Then it started to rain, oh not a big storm just a little fall, yes, a little fall of rain. Marius wanted to move me to a sheltered area or bring a blanket to me. No, I didn't want him to leave the end was coming soon, very soon. And I though to myself oh I just want to die in his arms. Oh please God let me die in his arms! I will be happy then. 

Then I asked Marius "When I die will you kiss me on the forehead, I'll feel it I promise." and I prayed God please let me feel it. Oh it was heaven I would die in his arms and his would be the last face I would see. Then I could feel it I really can't describe it. It's the feeling of death. I was calm then...oh there was such pain! 

I saw some of his friends coming nearer. I squirmed in his arms. He held me tighter. I was telling him that this rain was good and that it would make life grow that it was a rain of hope, and that it would wash away all death and hate. I shut my eyes for a second. I opened them and he was leaning down to kiss my forehead. He really was going to kiss me. He really did care enough to fulfill my last wish. Then I thought I should tell him how I felt. So, I said to him, "And then, do you know, Monsieur Marius, that I believe that I was a little in love with you." 

Then I realize that I wanted to leave him with a smile on my face. I looked into his eyes and saw love, not the love I wanted, but a friend's love, and that was a comfort. He thought of me as a friend not as a burden or a pest but a friend. I closed my eyes and took my last breath and smiled. It took all my strength to smile but it was well worth it. Then I felt his sweet lips softly and gently touch my forehead. 

I thanked God and found myself looking at Marius. I looked around and saw my brother. My sweet little brother and I saw a little glisten to his eyes. I knew that he wanted to cry but he was like me he couldn't cry in front of others. I then realize that I was floating above the ground. 

I looked at myself and I was dressed the same but I had a gray and white tint to my clothes and my skin. My wings glistened in the faint light. My wings! It was then I realized that I was an angel. I heard my name being called out. I looked toward Marius but this was a sweet light voice calling me. 

"Eponine" The voice whispered. It sounded like bells. I looked over to see Fantine standing there. She looked as I did white and pale. Yet better than when I had last seen her. Then came the memory of when I first met her. She had come with Cosette. I thought of how she was the first person to teach me kindness, she had called me pretty on that day. After that I had looked forward to seeing her. 

I snapped out of my dream of the old alive Fantine and back into the real world where I was a...well, not so much the real world the spiritual world. Fantine was still there in spirit calling to me. And Marius was still there in the flesh, holding my still body. I looked back at Fantine, she was beckoning me to come closer. To Heaven that's where she was telling me to go. I started moving towards her, but then I looked back at Marius, and I didn't want to go I wanted to stay with Marius even if he didn't love me! 

Fantine then spoke to me, "He'll never love you Eponine, I know that and so do you." 

"I know that Fantine but there are so many things that I'll miss, not just Marius." 

"Yes, I know child. But there are so many more rewards waiting for you up in Heaven. Trust me. Come now lets be on our way." I looked into her eyes. Her eyes were so beautiful, they hadn't dulled one bit, I looked back at Marius and blew a kiss back at him and asked God that Marius make it out of the barricades alive. I then moved back keeping my eyes on Marius. I'm ready I told her. And in a flash of light I found myself looking down at Marius. 

I saw it all the fight the unknown man that saved him. I looked in his eyes when he and Cosette met up again and I saw love. Love for her and I realize that it was meant to be. I know all of that now. I remember their wedding night. It was so splendid. I was so happy for Marius and Cosette. They looked so perfect together. I wanted to give them something. So, I blessed them in hope that they would live long and happy lives together.

My heart felt so light and I knew that I would always watch over them. 

I still love Marius and I know that I always will. There was much pain in my life, and yet through all the sorrows and the struggles, the joyous memories shine through. So now I know that even though pain was present through a lot of my life, that it made me a stronger person. And as that strong person I know that what was meant to be is: him with Cosette and me with God.


End file.
